


The Many Deaths of Bill Compton

by Breathesgirl



Category: Looney Tunes | Merrie Melodies, Southern Vampire Mysteries - Charlaine Harris
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-28
Updated: 2015-05-28
Packaged: 2018-04-01 16:14:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4026505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breathesgirl/pseuds/Breathesgirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This was written for kittyinaz's December Kill Bill contest.<br/>It was the ONLY entry so it won first place, winning me an awesome banner which happens to be my avatar here.<br/>I use the Looney Tunes ideas and inability to actually die to Kill Bill as many times as possible.<br/>If you do not have a funny bone, are a Bill/Sookie shipper or just do not like gratuitous violence in the form of Saturday morning cartoons then move along.<br/>The line for Bill/Sookie shippers starts over there somewhere and the line for those without a funnybone get free tickets to my boyfriend's first gig, whenever that will be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Many Deaths of Bill Compton

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own Southern Vampire Mysteries or Looney Tunes, I just borrowed them to have a little fun at Bill's expense.  
> I hope you enjoy.

It had been a long and exhausting day for Sookie. All she really wanted to do was to go home, rinse the scent of deep fried beer from her body and crawl into bed; not that she was expecting it to happen but when it did she was more grateful then she could ever remember being. She hadn't even finished her prayers before her breathing deepened and evened out and her heart beat slowed a little bit.

Soon after sleep took her a smile graced her face and she could be heard laughing quietly as whatever she was dreaming about tickled her funny bone.

…Sooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhh can be heard as Bill falls over the cliff's edge. He's a caricature of himself and he's drawn to resemble Wile E. Coyote and she's drawn to resemble the Road Runner.

Sookie Runner is standing in the distance watching as Bill Coyote falls straight down and goes splat 500 feet below, landing right in front of a speeding transport truck, driven by a caricature of Eric Northman who resembles another Road Runner.

Sookie Runner is speeding along and into a dark tunnel, with Bill Coyote hot on her heels, which has just a speck of light at the far end. As Bill Coyote enters the tunnel the light suddenly becomes much brighter and much, much larger as a train, which is blaring its whistle, comes barrelling along what he now realizes are train tracks. He turns tail and tries to run away but he's too slow…the train catches him and he ends up riding the front of it as an ornament for many miles until it crashes into a rocky outcropping, Coyote first, causing him to go splat.

Pam Runner gets out of the engine compartment and walks to the front. Smiling, she pulls out her bright pink and bejeweled iPhone and calls in the cleaners to once again clean up the mess that is, or was, Bill Compton. Once they arrive she speeds off into the distance and disappears in a cloud of dust.

Bill Coyote receives a shipment from Acme: This time it is a rocket: He builds a launching pad for it. He sits on top of the rocket with a book of matches, waiting for Sookie Runner to come speeding by. As he sees her dust in the distance he strikes a match and holds the flame millimeters away from the wick which will launch his rocket after her. Just as she gets close the match burns too low and singes his fingers causing him to growl and curse as he shakes his sore paw before lighting another match and touching it to the wick. With a loud whoosh the wick ignites the rocket fuel and he takes off, quickly overtaking Sookie Runner. Just as he reaches out his arms to grab her she stops dead in her tracks, causing Bill Coyote to whiz right on by and keep going with empty arms. He keeps going until the rocket suddenly explodes like a Fourth of July firework, shooting him into the sky. He is kicked around from spark to spark until the light show ends and he falls a mile back to earth and goes splat on the rocky ground.

Sookie Runner and Eric Runner can be seen in the distance watching as Bill Coyote paints the side of the canyon wall a dark black and in the shape of a tunnel entrance. They look at each other and smile as they hear Pam Runner come up behind them.

Suddenly Sookie Runner is speeding past Bill Coyote and right for the fake tunnel entrance. When she goes through it he stands there staring in amazement and confusion before he takes off after her and crashes into the painted wall only to have a transport truck coming out of the tunnel, driven by Pam Runner, drive over him, causing him to go splat!

There is a knock at Sookie Rabbit's door and she goes to answer it. Bill Coyote is on the other side holding out a business card, "I am Bill E. Coyote, Supra Genius." He smirks as he leaves Sookie Rabbit staring at the card in her hand as she shuts the door behind him.

She goes to her kitchen, tosses the business card in the trash and fixes her breakfast as she gazes out the window at the sunny morning and makes her plans for the day as she puts plates on the table just as Eric Rabbit and Pam Rabbit sit down.

She kisses Eric Rabbit good-bye as he heads off to work and scolds Pam Rabbit for spending so much of Daddy's money at the mall the previous day and wonders if she will ever be able to pass off her thriftiness to Pam Rabbit but shakes her head and heads off to work only to be caught up in her daydreams and finds herself suddenly in Bill E. Coyote's kitchen. "Whatcha cookin', Doc," she asks as she leans against the counter.

He looks up and smiles dreamily, "Sookeh stew. Now, just a few more carrots, an onion…." Sookie Rabbit looks at the recipe and sees that he's missing one of the ingredients.

"Ain'tcha forgettin' somethin', Doc?" She asks as she munches on one of the carrots he's been cutting up.

Bill looks up and gazes around to see if he's missed anything, "No, no I don't think so."

Sookie Rabbit quickly makes a sock puppet which resembles her and hands it to him, "Now you've got everything."

He takes it from her with a quiet 'thank you' and she leaves, quietly closing the door behind her then rabbits away quickly. We hear a loud KA-BOOM just as she crests the hill. She peeks over and sees a disintegrating Bill standing at his front door with the smoking sock puppet in his hands and an incredulous look on his face.

Bill E. Coyote is crawling slowly across the night time desert: Painstakingly avoiding the cacti. He's withering slowly, so slowly, when he looks into the distance and sees a bottle of True Blood. When he finally grabs hold of the bottle he looks down and sees the X just in time for the silver anvil to fall on his head. He goes splat and we see Sookie Runner go speeding by as she gives him a P~~~~~~~~~~~~.

Bill E. Coyote is at the top of a wooden ramp on rocket powered roller skates watching the road for Sookie Runner to come speeding by. When he sees her dust he ignites the skates and quickly makes his way down the ramp, falling right in behind Sookie Runner but he's barely keeping up. When he finally gets a burst of speed he reaches out his arms only to have Sookie Runner turn the corner and he rolls into a field of sheep. At the far end of the field is Jason Runner sitting in a soap box car at the top of a ramp. He's wearing a sheep dog costume with a dog tag that says 'George' and has a wooden lance.

As Bill Coyote coasts to a stop Jason Runner pushes the lever, releasing his soap box and he speeds towards his nemesis. As Jason Runner gets closer and closer to Bill Coyote all the sheep suddenly turn into Shifters with Sam at their head. Each of them has a stake with Bill's name carved into it. Jason Runner barely wins the race to make Bill Coyote go splat but he manages it. Jason Runner gets out of his soapbox, does the touchdown dance and high fives each of the shifters!

Sookie Rabbit: Duck season!

Duck Bill: Wabbit season!

Sookie Rabbit: Duck season!

Duck Bill: Wabbit season!

The sun comes up and Duck Bill goes splat as Sookie Rabbit says, "Duck season, p~~~~~~~~~~~~~."

Sookie wakes herself laughing hysterically at her dreams just as the sun breaches the horizon and shines a few rays into her room: She hears a splat.

When Sookie sits up and looks over at the window she sees red goo covering it. When she opens the window and looks down she recognizes Bill's signature penny loafers, golf shirt and Docker's pants on the ground below. She smiles to herself as she turns around, "I guess dreams really do come true. P~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~," and goes to take her shower, leaving the sun to do the worst of the cleaning.

Sookie hoses the side of the house down, boxes up Bill's clothes and couriers them to Eric at Fangtasia.

As expected her phone rings an hour or so after dark, "Sookie, why does this box smell of a decomposing vampire," asks the voice on the other end.

"A funny thing happened. Why don't the two of you come on over and I'll tell you."

She can hear the smile as the voice purrs, "We'll be there soon lover." Sookie shakes her head and makes a quick run to the Grab It Quik for a four pack of blood and some tissues.

The three of them arrive at her house simultaneously: Before her hand can even land on the door handle her door is opened for her and the back door is opened and her purchases are removed.

As she steps out of the car she looks up and both vampires are standing there staring at her, waiting for the explanation.

Sookie just smiles and invites them inside.

"Ya'all ain't gonna believe this. I barely do myself and I'm the one who cleaned up the mess."

She pops a couple of bottles of blood into the microwave and gets the jug of peach tea out of the fridge, a glass out of the cupboard and sets them on the table in the living room, grabbing the tissues on her way by and sitting them on the table as well.

When she turns around to go back to the kitchen Pam and Eric are standing in the doorway, bottles of blood in hand. Apparently they want the explanation sooner rather than later.

Sookie smiles and motions to the couch, pours herself a glass of tea and sits down. "As I said on the phone, a funny thing happened."

She tells them about her dreams the night before, stopping quite frequently to mop her eyes and blow her nose. The pile of used tissues grows rapidly as the three of them laugh hysterically at Sookie's dream but when she gets to the part about waking up to find Bill goo on her bedroom window the three of them explode with laughter.

When the three of them can finally speak again Eric asks, still with a chuckle in his voice, "Why did you send it to me though? Why not just put it in the burn barrel and finish the job?"

"Frankly Eric, I wanted someone to tell me it's true; that he's finally gone. I also kind of figured you might want to know that one of your vampires is missing and why."

Eric smiles down at her as he tucks her into his side, "You could have simply told me. I didn't need the evidence."

I'm sure he's met the true death Sookie. Doesn't he usually make his presence known by now?"

Sookie sighs deeply and gives Eric a quick kiss on the chin, "Yeah, about fifteen minutes after the sun sets he starts making it known that he's not happy with the status quo."

Pam speeds out of the house without a word but is soon back with a wide smile on her face, "Oh my. He is gone. He even left a note and a copy of his will." Pam handed both articles to Eric and licked her lips, "I'll leave the two of you to," she lets her eyes rove over Sookie, stopping a half moment too long for comfort on Sookie's breasts, "celebrate." Her cackle can be heard even as she is getting into her van.

Eric hands Sookie the note since it is addressed to her and looks over the will.

Dearest Sookeh: the note began.

I have finally seen the light and realize that you never were truly mine. From the moment you met Eric (she could see how he would grit his teeth and spit the word) you have belonged to him, I was just too stubborn to see it.

I have decided to face the sun rather than foist my attentions on you any longer. I am going home to be with Caroline.

Truly, I hope you have a good life with much love and happiness.

Yours,

William T. Compton, Esq.

Tears are streaming down her cheeks as she finishes reading. Bill had killed himself? Because he couldn't have her? How screwed up was that? She supposed it was for the best though since he never had been happy being a vampire.

She feels the note slipping from her fingers but doesn't even try to hold onto it, she's too overwhelmed. She even feels herself being lifted and settled again on Eric's lap and does nothing to fight him on it. Instead she buries her face in his shirt and cries.

Surprisingly Eric just holds her and rubs her back comfortingly. There is no innuendo, no sexual remarks of any kind. It's…refreshing really.

Once she has emptied the tissue box Sookie sits up straight and gives Eric a watery smile before she hugs him around the neck, "Thank you Eric."

"For what?" Does he really not know? She supposes not. It had been a long time since he was human and she was sure people were tougher then, didn't need as much comforting.

Sookie smiles at him, "For just being here. For holding me. For not trying to fix whatever you thought was wrong."

He looks at her incredulously, "Women like that sort of thing?"

Sookie giggles a little, "We do. You don't have to try to fix the world. Sometimes we just need a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen or sometimes someone to help us bury a body in the back yard." She grins at him when she finishes speaking, hoping he will get the joke.

"I can't imagine sweet Sookie killing anybody on purpose."

"I haven't but there have been moments where I contemplated it but nobody's worth the jail time." She blushes deeply, "Well, almost nobody."

Eric looks at her, a gleam in his eye, "And just who would be worth the jail time Sookie?"

Her blush deepens as she thinks about how to answer that question, "You Eric. You would be worth the jail time, you and Pam."

He raises his eyebrow in surprise, "Not Bill Compton?"

Sookie snorts in a very unladylike way, "Are you kidding? With how many times he's betrayed me, stalked me, hurt me? I'd sooner toss him behind bars myself than sacrifice myself for him ever again."

"You don't have to now Lover. He's finally dead and it seems you and the Bellefleurs are to share his inheritance."

"W…w…What? Inheritance?" Sookie is speechless, a rare occurrence to be sure.

Eric smiles at her and holds up the will he had been examining while she read her note, "Yes. His will states that you are to get everything he inherited from Lorena and the Bellefleurs are to get everything else."

Sookie's mouth hangs open. He had left her an inheritance? Really?

"B…b…b," What is there to say? You can't really argue with a will, can you?

Seeing the confusion on her face and the tiredness in her eyes Eric stands, lifting her with him, and carries her to her bedroom.

Once she is changed and under the covers he lays down and holds Sookie while she lets everything wash over her.

Once Eric is sure Sookie is asleep he gets up and goes downstairs where he lays the will on the kitchen table, cleans the mess from their evening and leaves her to her dreams.

The amount Sookie received was not a paltry sum, it was in the millions just in the monetary. There was also precious gems, real estate, stocks and bonds…all of which was Lorena's doing since apparently Bill had left everything just as he had received it, only transferring things into his name.

With Eric's help Sookie dealt with her inheritance. She travelled the world deciding whether to keep or sell properties, whether to buy new properties, sightseeing and just relaxing and enjoying herself in ways she never thought would be possible.

With a mixture of relief and regret she quit Bellefleur's, with Eric's support. She now had the money to support herself while she figured out what she would really like to do with her life.

Once Sookie's wanderlust was over she settled down in Shreveport, loaning the farmhouse to the Descendants of the Glorious Dead for their meetings which made it easier to keep her Gran's memory alive and for them to visit the fallen heroes in the adjacent cemetery.

She upgraded her high school courses online then continued on at LSU, getting a four year bachelor's degree in Business and Hospitality management.

Once Sookie had her Bachelor's Degree she surprised herself by excelling at running one of Eric's hotels and improving the way visitors were treated so much, both human and vampire, that Eric gave her the run of the place to do with as she wished, gifting it to her as a wedding present on their wedding day in 2021.

With the death of Bill Compton the New Authority tried to foist the monarchy on Eric but he stolidly refused. His Sookie needed him more than ever

When the Authority finally accepted his answer they crowned a vampire named Thalia as queen. She was brutal and vicious when needed but always fair with her ruling. She managed to bring New Orleans back to its glory with a small two percent hike in tribute for a period of five years, plus some of her own monies, and plenty of hard work by humans and vampires alike.

With the death of Bill Compton trouble of the Supernatural variety stayed far away from Sookie Stackhouse. She still had the usual human problems or problems at the hotel but those were easily dealt with.

Eric, Sookie, Pam and everyone else lived out their natural life spans into their own Happily Ever Afters.

Sookie lived to 736 when she died naturally of old age, having lived out her dreams and lived a life full of love and laughter.

Eric continued on for a time, withering without the love of his life, until he saw out the completion of the terms of Sookie's will then followed her on into the hereafter to continue their lives without the interruptions life on earth managed to throw at them.

Pam was the same snarky Dear Abby lover through the millennia but I lost contact with her years ago so I don't know whether she is still among the walking or not

Jessica and Hoyt ended up as better friends than spouses although they did share the same house. He never truly forgave her for returning his memories to him and she could never truly forgive herself for it either. Hoyt remained a confirmed bachelor until his death at 45 in a motor vehicle accident.

Jessica is a Maker now. Her child is Jason, of all people, and they get along famously well. They've kept watch over his branch of the Stackhouse family since she turned him several centuries ago.

Willa and Eric did eventually form a relationship. He taught her well and she has gone her own way now, stopping by occasionally for a bottle of blood and a good gab session.

Me, I'm the last of Niall's descendants. Most of the faeries have gone to the Summerlands now, including Niall.

I have been the record keeper for aeons but my time is nearing its end. Once the last Stackhouse leaves this realm for her own Happily Ever After I will go on to the Summerlands as well.

Claudine.


End file.
